Blech Friday; or, Over the River and to the Mall; or, Stay Away from My Door, Buster

Black Friday is here!

And Christmas is near!
But before we get into the detail,
You must understand
The season at hand
Is the make or break season for retail.

Every store has an ad

Of the stuff to be had –
The “Early Bird Specials”, they call it
With discounts so great
You’re afraid to be late –
And eager to open your wallet.

Every store has a slew
Of bargains for you,
But you’ll notice they’re mostly the same --
Same emails, same ads,
Same offers, same fads,
Same difference, except for the name.

You favorite stores
Will open their doors
A few hours sooner than last year,
In hopes eager shoppers
Will fill up their hoppers,
And make up the slack of the past year

But people seem fine
With standing in line
For Thanksgiving doorbuster deals.
Even Thanksgiving Day,
I’m sorry to say,
No longer means gutbuster meals.

The turkeys, the yams,
The jellies, the jams,
The tales of the Pilgrims of yore,
The gravy, the glaze,
The thanks and the praise
Are replaced by a drive to the store.

I’m nearing the end
Of the time I can spend,
I’ve come to the close of my verse.
It may make you cry,
But events of Black Fri.
Are now the events of Black Thurs.

The Storms Appear, Here, I Fear, Each Year

The first storm of November
Always takes us by surprise;
It's as if we've never dealt before with snow.
We don't seem to remember,
When it comes down from the skies,
The winter coping strategies we know.

The driving skills we're proud
Of on our Minnesota roads,
Desert us and we're totally confounded.
We park where not allowed,
And we're consequently towed, -
Our vehicles expensively impounded.

We cannot find our shawl,
And we've lost our woolen caps.
Our sweaters haven't come back from the laundry.
It happens every fall
And you'd think by now, perhaps,
We'd have found a way around this yearly quandary.

Though we face it with esprit,
As a group we're going numb
From the ill effects of Boreal anesthesia.
Minnesotans, Hail to Thee!
We're as hearty as they come,
But we can't escape November storm amnesia.

Election Reflection

"The Worst Voter Turnout in 72 Years" 
      -- New York Times op ed page headline.


The campaign commercials have ended,
At last they are over and done. 
The smears and the jeers are suspended,
The last nasty rumor has spun.
The voters, it seems, were offended
And didn't care which of them won.

The blarney, baloney, and blather,
Innuendos, distortions, and lies.
It's no wonder the voters would rather
Stay home and not vote for these guys.

Envoi 

Because of political
Commercial burnout
It's hard to be critical
Of the turnout.

Post Halloween Post

Halloween has come and gone,

And it was fine and dandy.

The kids arrived with costumes on --

We handed out the candy.

From out of our plastic pumpkin bowls
To every ghoul in queue -

Snickers, Twizzlers, Tootsie Rolls -

We gave each kid a few.

Although we worry ever year,

Will there be enough?

As always, when the end was near,

There was oodles of the stuff.

Here's my advice if candy still
Is left when the night is done -
To hell with diets, gorge until
You've eaten every one.

There is no reason to be doleful
When you've got candy by the bowlful!

A Month of Limericks, #31 "This limerick-filled month of October"

This limerick-filled month of October
.... Is over.

A Month of Limericks. #30 "A maverick composer named Ives"

A maverick composer named Ives
Gave concert hall patrons the hives.
The businessmen grumbled,
"This stuff is all jumbled"
And left in a huff with their wives.

A Month of Limericks, #29 "The lullaby written by Brahms"

The lullaby written by Brahms
Was played in arrangement for shawms.
No ifs, ands, or maybes,
It frightened the babies,
Who were taken away by their Moms.

A Month of Limericks, #28 "In Scotland, Sebastian Bach"

This limerick not only sends Bach on an entirely imaginary visit to Scotland, it also relies, for its rhymes, on the American tendency to soften foreign or exotic loan words.  In American speech, the rhymes in lines 1, 2, and 5 can be read as exact, but I have no real objection to them being read as slant rhymes.

In Scotland, Sebastian Bach
Was composing one day by a loch.
He arranged "Annie Laurie"
In full fugal glory
Intertwining with "Von Himmel hoch".

A Month of Limericks, #27 - The Piano Concerto of Carter

A pianist once said,"I'm a martyr
To the Piano Concerto of Carter -
I've worked on the score
'Til my fingers were sore -
It's opening tritone
Is the ringtone on my phone -
But it's still not a thing
I can whistle or sing -
And it's rhythmic esprit
(Six and five against three)
Is too much for me...
It's intended for somebody smarter."

A Month of Limericks, #26 "Herr Hindemith wasn't contented"

Herr Hindemith wasn't contented
'Til his publisher finally relented.
"Herr Schott, I have gotta
Composed a sonata
For each instrument ever invented!"

A Month of Limericks, #25 "I'm at that first stage of a cold"

I'm at that first stage of a cold,
When I feel like hell,
And my sinuses swell,
But there's dryness as well,
And my eyes are like gel,
And I'm losing my smell...
(But I know you don't want to be told).

A Month of Limericks, #24 - Mass Transit Gloria

If your mood, when in in rush hour traffic,
Is reflected in language that's graphic,
The way to enhance it,
Relax on mass transit -
And soon you'll be calm and seraphic.

A Month of Limericks, #23 - Betty White Redux

The news of the day gave a fright
To fans of the great Betty White,
But then we were told,
Though she's terribly old,
She's not yet the late Betty White.

A Month of Limericks, #22 "In theory the bass is the tether"

The last three days have celebrated the sopranos, the altos, and the tenors.  Today it is time for the basses.

In theory the bass is the tether
That holds tonal structures together.
And basses, aware
Of the weight that they bear,
Bellow out from the musical nether.

A Month of Limericks, #21 "A tenor with post-nasal phlegm" (three versions)

A tenor with post-nasal phlegm
Still sings with the crème de la crème;
His crack E.N.T.
Gives him back his high C
Whenever he sings in Bohème.

Another version

The tenor who sang in Bohème
Was having a problem with phlegm,
But he coughed with Mimì
Before his high C
And the critics declared it a gem.

Yes another version

When Mario sang in Bohème
His high note was clear as a gem.
His secret, you see,
Was to cough with Mimì
To loosen his seasonal phlegm.

A Month of Limericks, #20 "The altos just fill out the chord"

The altos just fill out the chord
When a hymn or an anthem is scored;
But this sort of action
Gives no satisfaction
And so they're perpetually bored.

A Month of Limericks, #19 "A soprano who sang in the choir"

A soprano who sang in the choir
Practiced hard to sing hoir and hoir.
'Til straining on day
For a double high A
Her vocal cords started on foir.

A Month of Limericks, #18 "A twelve tone composer I know"

A twelve tone composer I know
Used a combinatorial row,
Ensuring each note
Of the opus he wrote
Had a dodecaphonical glow.

A Month of Limericks, #17 "Quiche capisce" a limerick with double rhymes

The technical challenge in today's limerick is that each line has an extra rhyme word, so there are ten rhymes instead of the usual five.


I've found a new book about quiche.
Take a look, it's the best in its niche.
In a trice you'll be makin'
A nice quiche with bacon,
Like a cook for the French nouveau riche.

A Month of Limericks, #16 "A virginal lass from Le Seuer"

The limerick on offer today
Features sex in an humorous way.
It's done in good taste -
It's still pretty chaste -
And only just slightly risqué.


A virginal lass from Le Seuer
Led a life so remarkably pure
That when she was dead
The mourners all said
It must have been hard to endure.

A Month of Limericks, #15 "Constructive Witticism"

Construction is here and we're in it,
As changes appear by the minute,
Replacing our sidewalks
With zigzags and wide walks --
As the old saying goes - bear and grin it.

A Month of Limericks, #14 - The Mall of America.. and enjambment

Continuing the series exploiting the names of Upper Midwest places....

These three limericks feature enjambment ("the running over of a sentence from one verse or couplet  into another so that closely related words fall in different lines"), a technique not too much associated with the usually highly end-stopped limerick line.  I experimented to see how often enjambment could be used and how violent it could be without tearing the fabric of the verse completely apart.  (And you thought this blog was just fun and games?)

MOA 1
There is an old tale, and it's tall -
Why Paul Bunyan won't shop at the Mall
Of America or
The Men's Wearhouse store -
'Cause nothing there fits him...  - that's all.

MOA 2
If you're planning a trip to shop all of
The stores that you find at the Mall of
America, know
That it's better to go
When you've had a martini and olive.

MOA 3
A logging camp story says Paul
Bunyan won't shop at the Mall
Of America, and
It's his understand-
-ing everything there will be small.

A Month of Limericks, #13 - Columbus Day

Unless you're forgetful or slumbrous
You'll know about Christopher Columbus
Whose voyage to here
Prove the world was a sphere.
Instead of some sort of a rhombus.

A Month of Limericks, #12 "From a bridge on the old Mississip' "

From a bridge on the old Mississip',
When the October air has a nip,
The view is so glamorous
That people with cameras
Declare it was well worth the trip.

A Month of Limericks, #11 "A lachrymose lad in Superior"

A lachrymose lad in Superior
Gazed at the lake and grew blearier.
"It isn't the ocean,"
He sobbed with emotion,
"I'm stuck in the Midwest interior."

A Month of Limericks, #10 "A stubborn old man in Chanhassen"

A stubborn old man in Chanhassen
Casts his vote each election for Stassen.
The notion took hold
In the fifties, I'm told,
And he can't get the thing to unfasten.

or

A stubborn old man in Chanhassen
Casts his vote each election for Stassen.
"I know that he's dead.
But he's stuck in my head,
And I can't get his name to unfasten."

or

A stubborn old man in Chanhassen
Casts his vote each election for Stassen.
"I know it's insane,
But it's stuck in my brain,
And I can't get the thing to unfasten."

A Month of Limericks, #9 "The star of the circus in Fargo"

The star of the circus in Fargo,
A stunning young rhino named Margot,
Chased people from Moorhead
With the horn on her forehead,
Until they insisted the star go.

A Month of Limericks, #8 "Sophia, who lives in Sioux Falls"

Sophia, who lives in Sioux Falls
Can bake a soufflé that enthralls.
Suffice it to say
That Sophia's soufflé
Was featured one year in McCall's.

A Month of Limericks, #7 "There once was a man from St. Paul"

There once was a man from St. Paul
Who spoke with a hint of a drawl.
When asked "Are you southern?"
He said "No, but mother 'n'
Dad were from Texas, y'all."

Another young man from St. Paul
Encircled his house with a wall.
"For I've noticed," he cried,
"That in case of a tide
I have no other shelter at all"

A Month of Limericks, #6 "Two grandmothers living in Hinckley"

Continue the series based on Upper Midwest place names.

Two grandmothers living in Hinckley
Had wind chimes, both charming and tinkly.
They practiced together
In all kinds of weather,
And soon they could play them in syncly.

A Month of Limericks, #5 "A citizen's board in Duluth"

Another limerick based on the name of an Upper Midwest city.

A citizen's board in Duluth
Was asked to determine the truth.
"How will they test us
To see if asbestos
Is affecting the teeth of our youth?"

A Month of Limericks, #4 "A decorous man from Decorah"

Years ago, for reasons I don't completely remember, I did a series of limericks celebrating the cities in which Minnesota Public Radio had stations at the time. Over the next few days, I'll publish some of them and perhaps add some for the more recent stations.

A decorous man from Decorah
Once sported a feathered fedora.
When they ask "What is that?"
He replied "It's a hat
Embellished with fauna and flora."

A Month of Limericks, #3 "Roman Holiday - A Bit Pre-Halloween Nonsense"

An American tourist in Rome
Lost his way in an old catacomb.
He was found by a ghost
Who made coffee and toast,
And soon he was feeling at home.

A Month of Limericks, #2 "Aubade? Oh Bad!" ( Two Versions)

Version #1

What's that sound that you hear in the distance
With annoying repeating persistence?
When I have been sleeping
It takes that much beeping
To break through my morning resistance.

.







Version #2

What's that sound that you hear in the distance
With annoying repeating persistence?
My alarm in the morn,
Like the sound of a horn,
Bringing consciousness back to existence.

A Month of Limericks, #1 "Cold Shoulder"

It’s a miserable fact about autumn:

There are colds to be caught, and I’ve caught ‘em -

My words cannot tell

Of my symptoms from hell –

But you’ll know what I’ve got when you got ‘em.

En Gardy

Shout Huzzah! And party hearty!

Say farewell at last to Gardy.

Gone the tantrums on the field.

When a call goes unappealed.

Gone those hoary sports clichés

When a player misses plays.

Gone the slow and dreary drone,

Of Gardy’s postgame monotone.

Gardy, Gardy, it was fun

When you had a team that won,

But it’s now been years and years

Since a winner heard our cheers.

If the team is uninspired

Then it’s time that you were retired.

Here is my retirement wish:

May you catch a lot of fish.

Envoi to the Twins

Now complete what you’ve begun.

Let’s not stop at only one.

On the phone, and double quick

Fire his compadre Rick!