En Gardy

Shout Huzzah! And party hearty!

Say farewell at last to Gardy.

Gone the tantrums on the field.

When a call goes unappealed.

Gone those hoary sports clichés

When a player misses plays.

Gone the slow and dreary drone,

Of Gardy’s postgame monotone.

Gardy, Gardy, it was fun

When you had a team that won,

But it’s now been years and years

Since a winner heard our cheers.

If the team is uninspired

Then it’s time that you were retired.

Here is my retirement wish:

May you catch a lot of fish.

Envoi to the Twins

Now complete what you’ve begun.

Let’s not stop at only one.

On the phone, and double quick

Fire his compadre Rick!

To Doodlely Do

There is an app that keeps a list
Of things that must be done,
Appointments that I might have missed,
What’s finished, what’s begun.

My calendar, my schedule too,
Are synched up to the minute;
If there is something I should do
It knows when to begin it.

It’s linked up to my Facebook wall,
It’s synched up with LinkedIn,
Reminds me where and when to call,
And when and where I’ve been.

For home, for work, in calm, in stress,
Each task, each thing, each chore.
It’s perfect, but I must confess ---
It’s easy to ignore.

Holding Cell

I'm holding my phone, and perhaps,
I'll download a couple of apps.
Don't tell me that I'm
Just wasting my time -
I'm doing it all between naps!


On the subject of cell phones. Here are my parody lyrics for "When the felon's not engaged in his employment" in which the song is turned into a plea to the audience to turn off their electronic devices. This was from the Twin Cities Gilbert and Sullivan Very Light Opera Company production in 2011 and sung by Christopher Michela

The Mary Variations 1-5 (poetical variations on "Mary Had a Little Lamb")

The Mary Variations 1 (in which Prof. A.E. Housman re-writes a nursery rime)

When I was but a college lad
To Shropshire I did go,
And there I met a girl who had
A lamb as white as snow.

But thirty springs have come anew,
With white my head is crown'd.
The lamb is gone, its mistress too,
Is buried underground.

The Mary Variations 2 (in which Miss Dickinson encounters a lamb profits thereby)

I saw a lamb -- it came to school ---
Its coat so very white,
I had to ask a passing Bee
If Everything was right.

The Master had a sacred Rule ---
The Lamb could not be there.
He read it --- solemn from a book ---
Intoning like a Prayer.

The Lamb was Banished all too soon ---
I thought about a Hearse,
And left, returning Home to write
Impenetrable --- Verse.

The Mary Variations 3 (in which Alexander Pope espies the lamb)

Now Phoebus shines, and vanquished is the Moon.
The Swains uprise and ply the rustic Spoon
To break their fast, the humble Viands spread -
The Porridge now, and now the crusted Bread.
'Til one among them, fairest of the throng,
Gets up to greet her Lamb with Morning Song.
To all who saw the Lambkins fleecy snow,
It seemed as if a Goddess came below;
And yet more fair the SHEPHERDESS was seen,
A Nymph was ne'er more graceful on the green.
The Pair were sent unto the neighb'ring School,
Unknowing that they broke the scholars' Rule.
The Children here did laugh, and there did play,
To see this new diversion come their way.
[and so on for 200 lines]

The Mary Variations 4 (in which Ogden Nash reads a nursery rhyme and ends up with a lamb fricasee)

This is a story which was no doubt taught to you by your nurse back in your nursery,
And which you probably still remember unless your memory over the years has gotten increasingly cursory,
It's the story of a lamb,
And right now you are saying, that is a thing about which I don't give a damn,
But this lamb caused great commotion, even consternation,
By showing up in a place of education.
A destination which is not at all of the sort where a lamb oughta be.
And anyone who takes one there is a sure candidate for a lobotomy.
But back to the story, as you remember there was a girl named Mary,
And if anyone asked "Is she pretty?" the answer that came back was invariably "Very."

The Mary Variations 5 (in which a nursery rhyme becomes the hit Tin Pan Alley song "Count On Me")

I count my blessings
Instead of sheep
'Cause dear I love you
With love so deep.
Wherever you travel, dear,
I'm sure to go,
I'll follow you always, dear.
Through rain or snow.

And though your path may lead you.
To places you're not meant to be.
I'll still be there to need you
Just try it and you'll see --

I count my blessings
You can COUNT ON ME.

Vice Versa

There once was a man who wrote verse.

He could have done many things worse.

Like spending his nights at the bar,

Or learning electric guitar,

Like selling his soul to the Devil, 

Or naming his only son "Neville",

Or writing a book deemed obscene,

Or forgetting to curtsey the Queen.

Or murder, or mayhem, or arson,

Or reading aloud from Stieg Larsson.

So forgive his poetical crimes,

His thumpety rhythms and rhymes -

If you’re thinking it once, think it twice,

Before calling such verses a vice.

Prolegomenon

I admit that it won't be sublime,
And I'm probably wasting your time,
But it isn't a sin,
And so we begin
Our adventures in humorous rhyme.